I was the girl who compromised her own beliefs and morals to fit in.
I was the girl who said yes when she wanted to say no.
It's a painful journey finding your place in the world. I'm not sure any of us ever really find our purpose. More of us give in this world and take in very little. We are taught to give with our heart. Do because you want to do. That the love in return is all the payment we need.
So you buy that $200.00 skirt that will look great on you, and will make your boyfriend feel proud to have you at his side because of it.
You grow your hair long because everyone loves it that way, when all you want to do is take the scissors and chop it off.
You put make-up on because it's warpaint. Because if you cover up all the imperfections they can't see your pains, regrets and your bland self.
We truly feel that if others love us we will in turn love ourselves. It doesn't work that way.
You can be completely loved but still need to shut the lights off to be naked. You can be told every day that you're beautiful and still feel the need to put layers upon layers of foundation on... it's foundation after all, right? It will hold you up... won't it?
You will always see every scar, every blemish like it's a beacon calling the mother ship home.
Ever watch TV, see an actor play a confident person and you can see their over sized nose, receding hairline and say, "How are they so okay with that?"Somehow that confidence they are portraying is making them beautiful and you want that. You want it so bad you can taste it.
So what if you stopped trying? What if you chopped your hair off?
Stop wearing that make-up, return that skirt? Say no for a change?
I'm not sure how it works. I know I live in the dark. I know I'm not a fan of my reflection and that I cover as much of myself as I can. I know my past dictates the person I am today, and I can't change that.
I also know that my children don't see my story. They feel my love. That's enough for now. I'm not perfect. I'm certainly not going to pretend I am. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for it.
I know my limits. I'm not sad all the time over it. I've accepted who I am. Shockingly enough, I DO LIKE MYSELF.
My past has taught me to teach my children to never say yes when they mean no. Not to wear the burdens of things that happen TO them. I want them to be able to forgive themselves.
I'm searching for my purpose. I'm striving for perfect. It may sound depressing but it's the life I know.
I can't stop trying. But I can say I LIKE ME.