My
Bi Musings
My
first boyfriend was bisexual, and I hated him for it.
I
hated that he could wander off at any moment, find a girlfriend, and enjoy a
heteronormative lifestyle. I hated that he had the “option” to go the “easy”
way when it came to things such as acceptance, having a family, finding love,
etc. I hated that he could ignore some of his desires and still be left with a
world full of possibilities. I hated that he didn’t have any “mannerisms” or
tells, and that he could hold a conversation with a group full of straight
guys. I hated that he wasn’t fully “mine.”
That
hatred was what ended us... And it ended every relationship I’ve ever had with
bisexual men. (3 in total)
And
now, years later, I finally realize that the real issue was me.
There’s
a big problem in the LGBT community when it comes to bisexual representation
and bisexual support, and I’m guessing a lot of that comes from fear and
jealousy, regardless of the excuses many will make. (I know I had plenty at the
time)
Time
and time again, I’ve seen gay men try to rebuke bisexual men whenever they
bring up their attraction to the opposite sex. They try to get an answer as to
which sex they prefer, or convince them that they’re better suited with the
same sex because of points A, B AND C. They throw themselves at Bi men as if
they’re conquests, as if to prove something, as if they’re going to push them
over the gay cliffs and splatter their bodies along the gay shores of gayville,
never letting them step foot outside the cock-only zone again. And let’s not
forget just how homophobic the gay community is. How “No fems” is etched into
every grindr profile around the globe. So, when a bi man comes along – a bi man
who doesn’t have any “tells” that most gay men do – it’s bonus points if you
can snag him.
And
yet.
Bi
men are often omitted from the conversation when it comes to gay rights. After
all, they have the “choice” to play it straight, right? So, why should they get
a seat at the table? They can run and hide, whereas we must take whatever abuse
is hurled at us… Right? I’m right, right? (Of course not, but this is a mindset
I’ve seen a lot, and it’s one I used to have)
On
the flipside, do you know how many straight women say they’d never date a
bisexual man? Not only do they share similar fears that gay men do when it
comes to having a relationship with someone who is bisexual (that they’ll leave
them for the other gender, etc) but they ALSO question the bi man’s
“masculinity.” After all, since he enjoys doing the deed with men too, he’s not
a “real” man – which is, ironically, the reason so many gay men fetishize
bisexuals.
So,
we have a community full of ravenous gay men who want to sleep with, and to a
degree, take ownership of our imaginary bisexual man. Meanwhile, we have the
majority (based on straight women I’ve spoken to about this subject**) of
straight women saying they won’t date him because he isn’t “man” enough for
them.
We
have someone who has the capacity to fall in love with absolutely anyone, and
yet our first concern is how we’re not the sole object of their desire – as if
that concern is strictly limited to bisexuals and not any relationship we get
into.
You
know, I’ve been with a – insert one figure short of slutty – number of gay men
and about half of that number cheated on me. However, out of the three
relationships I’ve had with bi men, I never had a reason to be the insecure
mess I was. I’ve also been in bars full of gay men, only to focus solely on the
bi guy once I unveil his sexuality, regardless of if he’s my type or not.
Why
do we have such a weird relationship with bisexuality?
At
this point, you might be wondering why I’ve only mentioned bisexual men, and
the reason is because bi women face a whole different set of issues with their
sexuality.
While
Bi men are usually shoved into the gay category and get into relationships with
other men by omission, bi women are usually not taken seriously in society and
are still expected to settle down/grow out of it regardless of how many women
they’re with.
If
you were to ask me why there’s a double standard with men and women in the bi
community, I’d say it’s the same thing that creates double standards with all
matters involving genders – masculinity. A bi man has his masculinity brought
into question; it’s his masculinity that attracts gay men, and his lack of it
that repels straight women. Since women aren’t judged based on their
masculinity, it stands to reason that their sexuality isn’t taken as seriously.
AKA straight men aren’t threatened by other women, therefore being with a bi
woman isn’t an issue – perhaps it’s even fetishized (albeit in a different way
compared to how gay men fetishize bi men)
This
also shines a light onto why it is women might be more open about their
sexuality and willing to admit to things such as experimentation, etc. After
all, if a woman sleeps with 5 women, she still (likely) won’t have trouble
finding a male partner, but if a guy sucks one cock and it gets out, he’s
labelled gay for life, even if it was nothing more than curiosity that led him
to it.
So,
what can we do about it?
1.
Well,
the first thing you can do is openly admit why it is you harbor whatever
resentments/hang ups you have toward Bi people (and anyone who identifies as
anything attracted to more than 1 gender) because it’s only once you do that –
as I did at the start of this article – that you can grow past it. Admit to
yourself that you’re jealous of their options or acknowledge that it’s your own
insecurities about your self-worth that scares you from being in a relationship
with someone who is Bi. Once you let that go, you stop being part of the
problem and can help become the solution.
2.
Stop
vilifying bisexuals in media. Stop erasing bisexuals in media. Stop fetishizing
them. Stop treating them like conquests. Stop using bisexual as a stepping
stone when you come out, further cementing the idea that the sexuality doesn’t
really exist.
3.
Realize
that their sexuality, like yours, like mine, like your mom’s and my granddad’s,
has absolutely nothing to do with you. And if you’re lucky enough to be the one
person that they fall for out of a world full of options, realize how truly
special that is.
It
really hurts me when I see people (especially in the LGBT community) brushing
off the struggles of bisexuals – though not nearly as much as it hurts them,
I’m sure. It upsets me to see them fetishized, to see Bi men discarded because
of a gay man’s/straight woman’s insecurities, and to see Bi women not taken
seriously. And the saddest part of all is that we always find a way to blame
them. We blame their capacity to love anyone as the reason we can’t be with
them, as the reason we can’t trust them, as the reason we can’t let them into
our community…
It
needs to stop, and while the ramblings of one gay man won’t solve much, I hope
something I’ve said connects with whoever stumbles upon this article.
And
lastly, to any Bi person reading this, I want you to know that I’m sorry for
not being a better ally in the past. I want you to know that it’s never been
about you, and that any issues you encounter based on your sexuality are all to
do with the other person.
You’re
capable of loving so many people, cherish that, and don’t let anyone dump their
shit on you for it.
Where to find TC
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