Craig’s 30 things to do before you return to Cthulhu
Once again, I find myself at a loss for a specific topic to discuss. Regular readers of my every-other-week articles will probably know that 50% of what I put out is the equivalent to literary cheeseburgers from that diner that always gives you liquid lava hot enough to melt your plumbing, but that you eat anyway because it tastes good in the moment…
What I’m saying is—I don’t have shit to talk about, so here’s my list of 30 things to do before you die. (Also, please leave the number of how many of these things you have done in the comments section below)
1) Watch the entirety of Buffy the vampire slayer (bonus points if you then go on to watch metaphorical and philosophical breakdowns of each episode on youtube—prepare to have your mind blown)
2) Eat a whole tub of ice cream in a single sitting
3) Watch one of those tween genre films that were popular in the mid-late 00s (Twilight, hunger games, etc) and take a shot of tequila every time a main character awkwardly stutters their way through a sentence and/or makes eye contact with their mouth open.
4) Try a food you think looks disgusting so your hatred for that food is justified
5) Stop trying to explain your point of view to people on the internet if they didn’t ask for it—you’re only adding fuel to whatever fire you’re trying to put out.
6) Go an entire day without the internet.
7) Only check facebook 3 times in a day when you fail number 6.
8) Read a book in a genre you’re not familiar with, by an author you’re not sure about.
9) Don’t step on the scales for a month
10) Stop waiting for a Monday/specific date to make changes to your life. Make them now.
11) Go to IMDB’s 100 greatest movies of all time list and make your way through them
13) Try to fit in 20 minutes of cardio per day
14) Spread glue on your hands. Peel it off slowly.
15) Build a fort and have a movie marathon in that fort.
16) Get a bold piece of décor that speaks to your interests and proudly display it for all to see. (Still looking for a statue of a KFC bucket to liven up the living room)
17) Watch all the Harry Potter films back-to-back
18) Master the grilled cheese
19) Attempt to make a beef wellington from scratch
20) Be selfish more often. The world will always have battles to fight, so remember to focus on what you have going for you now rather than what you want changed for a later time.
21) Explore a sexual fantasy
22) Try a range of new cocktails after you realize that sexual fantasy doesn’t work in reality.
23) Learn a second language (or at least attempt it)
24) Type the ingredients you have on-hand into a “what can I make with” website and choose a meal at random.
25) Eat Poutine
26) Don’t let your mother-in-law get to you.
27) Eat a full English breakfast for dinner
28) Visit Tokyo
29) Spend a day pantless/braless.
30) I don’t care where you are or how you do this. Find the British channel 5 and watch one of their sex documentaries, and realize that we’re in no way the repressed wallflowers that American television likes to present us as. (The one I just watched showed a man getting fisted)
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