Craig Chats: I'm In Love

I'm In Love 

9 months ago, I moved into a house I thought I’d spend the rest of my life in, with a man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. There was a dog, petty arguments, zero sex and way too many conversations about groceries. All that was missing was the white picket fence. 

I thought my path was set. 

Today, I’m sat writing this article in the living room of my new boyfriend’s apartment, in a town I’m already familiar with, with a guy I’ve already fallen for. And, now that I have it; now that I’m experiencing the stomach-whooshing, tingling, all-consuming love that I didn’t actually believe existed, I can’t imagine going back to what was.

Last night, I took Sam back to my place (Pete’s), and Pete brought his new guy (also called Sam) back home. And I felt nothing. Sure, I felt like I should have been awkward—but I wasn’t. I felt like I should’ve felt something—but I didn’t.

Did I ever really love the man I’d spent five years with, or was I addicted to the constant battle our relationship provided my otherwise mundane life? Anxiety can be quite the high; the drama, the tension, the exquisite agony.

The cycle of screaming until I cried, only to fall into his arms an hour later, was euphoric self-destruction. It was the best pain in the worst way, and I thought it’s what being in love meant.

Now… I don’t know. I don’t know why I loved Pete, and when I briefly entered the kitchen to grab Sam and I some water the other night, and saw him and his new guy laughing at a show I would never find funny, I really did start to question my sanity. 

I simply don’t know. 

But these articles are never about what I don’t know…not when there’s something I do know.

I know that I’m in love. I know that I have a great, healthy, sexually fulfilling monogamous relationship, and that the thought of going near another man now, no matter how mouth-watering they may be, comes with an added awareness of Sam; a voice in my head going “yeah, but, you have good dick over there and the guy’s great.” 

I don’t think I’ve ever had that before… A conscience. A voice telling me no. A feeling of absolute certainty. And to anyone who was wondering what it’s like going from an open relationship to a monogamous one—it’s pretty simple. If anything, the comfortability with myself that being open afforded me has carried over. 

Last week, Sam and I spent the entire time playing a Dungeons & Dragons board game. And the week before that, we played a Buffy one. We have our own language; a nonsensical string of sayings and in-jokes that must sound like utter gibberish to anyone around us. And I love it.

You know what else I love? That whenever he comes home from work and I’m at his, he brings me a bottle of Pepsi. I love that whenever we’re walking anywhere, he carries all the bags. That if I make a single, disgruntled noise, he immediately tries to find a way to make me happy. I love that he likes what I like, and that he tries to like anything I introduce him to.

I love his goofy laugh. I love his silly smile. I love how I fit perfectly in the nook of his arm.

I love him.

I wasn’t going to do this. I wasn’t going to parade this new relationship around because my last one crumbled publicly and I had to address it, but I want to. I want to scream from the rooftops how in love I am. I want to let everyone who has ever glanced my way know that I’m getting dicked down good AND have a great emotional connection. THAT SHIT NEVER HAPPENS. 

So, yeah… This isn’t so much an article as it is a statement. An unapologetic declaration of love. I needed to do this, not for Sam and I (because I’ve never felt more secure about a relationship in my life), but for the Craig of 9 months ago. For the Craig of 6 months ago. For the Craig of 3 months ago, who was so utterly devastated, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to feel again.

Love exists. Happiness is real. Getting dicked down good by someone you care about is possible. 

PS: I have a memoir coming out soon (That Time I Survived My Teens) and if the exploits of a young queer kid, attending one of the worst high schools in his country while getting spit-roasted at raves and battling alcohol addiction sounds interesting to you, you can follow me here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/craigbarkerbooks/

BLOG POST: Infighting... Again? Really?

I’m gonna say something over the latest “in house fighting” in this community. Because of course, I am. I wonder if there was a pool going on over how long it would take for Meredith to speak up??? I want 20%. I’m not here to start shit but I most likely will. But it’s instances like this that make me want to say, “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to show you what you’re doing and how it’s affecting the “neutral people.” Here it goes.

(WARNING: I’m so all over the place with my emotions over this that you’ll have to keep up with the twists and turns)

When this genre is fighting together we are a beast. I’m never prouder of this community than in moments like that. When we lock arms and march on together in unity. And then, like 2 beta fish stuck in a bowl, we turn on each other and fight to the death. AGAINST EACH OTHER. And it is moments like those that make me want to pack my bags and bid a fond farewell to this genre. This community is suffocating in its own hypocrisy. YOU ARE LOSING FANS, READERS, AUTHORS, ALLYS, BLOGGERS. Most importantly you’re losing your humanity and it makes me weep!

Fucking Hell! I’m half angry half sad over it all! And I’m quickly reaching the end of my rope with all of it. You can’t tell people how they are supposed to feel! I’m sorry you can’t. You don’t like Mpreg or GFY I’m sorry! But to tell others who do that they are wrong, that’s a shitty thing to do. However, it’s your right to say how it makes YOU feel. But don’t bash others who see it differently.

Apologies. When someone apologizes on social media (which by the way is a horrible way to decipher emotion) you can’t tell them “I don’t feel your apology.” I mean You CAN but it’s shitty to do so.

Understanding. You have to respect that you may say something that will hurt someone and take responsibility for that. Eat crow. Ignore it, and that’s a crappy thing to do. 

I watched in the last 24 hours this community light fires, burn dreams, destroy hearts. I watched readers (((READERS))) say, “I’m out. I’m done with this genre.” Wonder why sales are down? Look around. PEOPLE ARE LEAVING! 

Wake up, people! Have we forgotten how to be adults? Have we forgotten how to talk privately with someone who offends us and try to educate them with kindness and understanding? We read and react. We try to gather soldiers for battle. It’s like a scene out of Braveheart. In it, you may not see but to someone like me who actually is neutral in this “newest” argument it kills me. It makes me second guess a lot of feelings I THOUGHT I had about certain people. 

Did you all know I’m writing a book? Yeah, that’s my big project I’ve been working on. And I’m not sure I want to publish it anymore. I’m not sure I can in this genre. This makes me want to wipe the slate clean and start over and find a haven of acceptance. Why? Because I no longer feel safe that my opinions and my feelings are accepted. HERE. In the LGBT community that so beautifully opened its arms to me 3 years ago. I feel defeated, sad, angry, and listless. 

PLEASE. STOP. If you don’t then all we have worked for. ALL we have built will be for nothing. The foundation will crumble. The structure will fall. And on the ashes of what once was, we will cry, we will regret, and it will be too late.

EDUCATE people don’t bash them. EMBRACE them don’t push them away. Don’t JUST react. THINK! 

Unfriend or unfollow me if you wish. Honestly, I’m so close to shutting it all down it’s not even funny. I’m so exhausted. 

LOVE EACH OTHER… PLEASE!

Sometimes and Just Because

I don't often write blog posts out. This is usually about books, authors, all that awesome jazz. I do this for you. When I say you I mean, if you are reading this than YOU. I love it.

The world (interwebs) sees me on Facebook, Twitter, my blog, wherever in social media as a figure that promotes with in many genres. It's true I do. The major focus being LGBTQ. That is primarily where my readers are, and the authors too.

So blah blah blah what's this post about? I ramble, sorry. It's titled Sometimes and Just because. Why? We'll get there. Keep reading....

We all put on faces in our lives. And I am generally a kind person. I am. I don't like conflict. I avoid arguments if I can help it. I've said this many times but I knew when I became an ally in the LGBTQ community I was going to have to step it up a lot.

I think I'm doing a great job. I think this community, though small, is fierce, strong, brilliant, and creative.

I don't think any of you know how much this community has saved me. Two years ago, in my head, I wasn't in the best place. It was pretty ugly in there. Lots of bad thoughts, and utter loneliness. It took one person to peek through the curtain and say, "Hey, I want you to read something." It was those words that made me read my first M/M book. It was still a rough year. One of the hardest I've ever had to survive.

First came the books, then came the people. (I might name drop... No, I will totally name drop, it happens) My friend Erin became a pillar for me. She lifted me up, probably without even knowing it. She FED me literature that woke me up. It made me smile, laugh, and connect with fictional characters that felt so real it was like they were written just for me. To help me.

AJ Rose, my Jellybean. Her talent is like the galaxy. Limitless. So is her love and friendship. She gave me purpose. "Mere, will you read this and tell me what you think?" I was shocked! She wanted MY opinion? Little old me? She has become a sister to me. And through her came the amazing Kate Aaron. Her wife, also a fabulous and inspiring writer. She is what levels me. She calms my thoughts. Makes me see things rationally.

(( I know all this name dropping.... It's important, you'll see))

When I told Erin, AJ, and Kate I was starting this blog to just say whatever I wanted. I had NO idea it would grow into what it did. This blog expanded my love for this genre and with that came more friends. Now, I love my readers. But there are only a few who get me where I live. They understand. AJ, Kate, Erin. They get it.  Kade Boehme, Wendy, Jenna Kendrick, Felice Stevens. My New York Crew.

We talked forever. Then I hopped a train last April to go to The Rainbow Book Fair where I met them all for the first time. And so #BoozyBrunch was born! This last year I connected with these guys to the point I feel completely comfortable. They don't stifle me. They encourage me to open myself up. They NEVER judge me. These 7 people have impacted my life so much that when I talk about them and tell people so and so wants me to read their book, or so and so wants to hang out, and people ask me why I answer, "Just Because."

Am I still sad, lonely, and depressed? SOMETIMES. But it's not too terribly dark inside my head and it's thanks to all those JUST BECAUSE people.

Sometimes I'm sad. But these 7 people like me Just Because.

This genre fights like a night of twisters. But when it matters we come together. This community saves people. You don't have to be LGBTQ to belong here. You just have to be YOU. Be good. And accept the love it will give you sometimes and just because.

Promo Post: Tears I Shed by Kim Morris #Excerpt and #Giveaway

Published: February 21, 2014

138 pages

Buy Link: Amazon

The Tears I Shed tells the story of Kayla, who has been married for fifteen years to the love of her life, but her seemingly happy marriage ends tragically after the sudden death of her husband and young son. As Kayla grieves for her loss and thinks that life couldn’t get any worse, her husband’s separate life which includes a mistress and twin son’s further tears her life apart and sends her into seclusion from her family and friends. A year later, Kayla meets a handsome stranger named Justice and when it looks as if the sun is finally shining again, along comes Justice’s ex Jazzmine Charles, who wreaks havoc in the lives of Kayla, Justice and her friends Kyra, Greg, Jenesis, Jahren and Felecia. Jazzmine will not stop until Justice is hers and will use any means necessary to complete her goal.

Love, hate, betrayal, drama and tragedy are all in the day and life of these friends. Who will overcome and be the last standing in the game of love where rules do not apply.

EXCERPT

Kyra closed the door wondering who had sent her something.  There was no name or address.  She slowly opened the flap and pulled out one of the pictures.  Her mouth opened, but made no sound.  She looked toward the kitchen where Greg was making breakfast. 

She thought back to all the years they had been together and how he went out of his way to get her to go out with him, since he was four hours away in Fayetteville attending college at U of A and she attended ASU.  She had never worried about him cheating or messing around.  He had always been so good to her, but now she was looking at a picture of him screwing another woman on his office desk.  She knew it was him she could see the picture of him and Justice hanging on the wall in the background.  She didn’t know what she was feeling. An array of emotions took over her body. 

She looked through all the pictures as she stood at the door.  Tears began to flow down her face. 

“Kyra, who was that at the door?” Greg yelled breaking her concentration.  She didn’t even remember walking in the kitchen, but at that moment she began hitting Greg with all her might.  She moved in on him so fast and unexpectedly all he could do was put his arms up in defense.

“You muthafucker!” Kyra screamed.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”  Greg finally grabbed her arms wrapping them around her and turning her back to him to restrain her from hitting him.  “Calm your ass down.”

“Just let me go then,” she said trying to break free from his grip. 

“I’m going to let you go but you have to stop hitting me.  Damn you have my mouth bleeding.”  He let her go and grabbed a paper towel wiping blood from his mouth.

“Your ass lucky more than that isn’t bleeding.”

“Damn Kyra, you can take the girl out of Southwest Little Rock but you can’t take Southwest Little Rock out of the girl.”

 

REVIEW

This was a very dramatic read. My heart broke for Kayla a lot. I couldn't imagine losing my child and the love of my life. There was quite an ensemble to this story and I will admit it got a bit confusing at times. There were many twists and turns that added to the suspense and intensity that Kim Morris clearly is going for. Very high octain read for me. There was deep sadness and uplifting joy. Twisted within that was anger, drama, and a lot of sass! It was an interesting read and Kim has my attention.

 

Author Bio:

Kim Morris is the author of Tears I Shed and the sequel Tears I Shed 2.  In addition to writing books, Kim also writes poetry.  Her poem Raising Sons and In Memory Ofhave been featured in several online magazines.

In her spare time, Kim is an avid reader and basketball fan.  She is working on her third book.  She currently resides in Jonesboro, Arkansas with her family.

Visit her online at www.kamorris870.wix.com/kimbook or on Facebook: www.facebook.com/kimberly.a.morris.1 and follow on Twitter/Instagram @poetdiva1.

GIVEAWAY

Two people have a chance to win Tears I Shed. Simply enter your email in the comments and Kim will select 2 people at random. Thanks!