Bailey's Beat Box: That GRL Feeling~ My Experience and What It Means

That GRL Feeling~ My Experience and What It Means

GRL (Gay Romance Literature) is arguably the largest convention of its kind for the M/M Romance community.  It gives readers the opportunity to meet some of their favorite authors, have their favorite books signed, and pick up a serious amount of swag.  It also gives the authors a chance to meet their readers in person.  Sure, we all talk online, whether it be in Facebook posts or some sort of messaging app.  But for most of us, we’re so spread across the country (and the world, for that matter) that it gives us all the chance to actually be together.  For a lot of us, it’s like one HUGE family reunion.

This will be my third GRL.  And, yeah, even though I’ve been before, I’m still a little nervous.  I went to my first two as a reader, even though I had already started publishing.  Looking back, if I’m nervous now, I was in total freak-out mode at my first one.  For me, it was about meeting my heroes.  Let’s face it, writers create these incredible worlds that we lose ourselves in.  They create these wonderful characters that we laugh with, cry with, and sometimes want to strangle.  For me, that ability to create is awe-inspiring.

I learned a few things along the way.

First, GRL is predominately for the reader.  Let’s face it, as a writer, we create these worlds, but it’s the readers that truly make them come alive.  Without the readers, we would write these stories and they would languish on the hard drives of our laptops.  The readers are the ones that take what we have created and run with it.  We birth these characters, sometimes in the dozens, but the readers may bond with a select few (I’m looking at you, Felice! #RyderAndJasonForever). Readers develop a connection to certain characters that makes them want to follow the character through their life’s journey. 

Secondly, as I said before, GRL is like one big family reunion.  One of the things that truly struck me at my first GRL was the openness of quite literally everyone. Readers and authors alike.  We all know each other, in one capacity or another, we all have our circle of friends that we like to be with, and in a lot of cases, not only are those circles made up of both readers and writers, but there’s also an enormous amount of overlap.  It’s almost like “six degrees of separation.”  This, in and of itself, lends itself to the feel of one big family.

Thirdly, (is that even a word?) despite how large the group is, and despite the different corners of the globe we come from, we’re all there for one reason:  our love of the genre.  Every single one us has that as the common denominator.  I’ve been to other conventions (mostly comic and sci-fi conventions because I’m a giant dork).  There’s a large fan base for the likes of Star Wars and Star Trek, and that fan base has some rather rabid fans.  But the M/M community is different because of the deep emotions these stories evoke.  There’s something with these characters and these stories that we can connect with on a much deeper, more emotional level.  We all want the same thing in our real lives that we want for the characters we love, and that’s quite simply that Happily Ever After.  It’s that commonality, that desire, that connects every single one of us.  Introverts, extroverts, and everything in between has that exact need, and it’s what binds us all together.

So, yeah, I may be a little nervous, but I’m also keeping these things in mind because there is absolutely nothing in the world like this convention and how you feel when you’re with your family.

Bailey's Beat Box: Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome

I have a confession to make.

I’m not who you think I am.

I’m not a writer. 

I mean, to be a writer, you have to be able to create characters that the reader can identify with.  Or write stories that people will want to read.  There’s time involved.  And talent.  And a half a million other things that I just don’t have.  You have to be good.

I’m an imposter.

At least, that’s how it feels most of the time.

The thing is, I think this is how a lot of writers feel.  A lot of the stories we write are personal to us, in one way or another.  Some of us draw inspiration from the world around us.  Or, in order to give the story some authenticity, we draw from our own lives.  We use our writing as a catharsis of sorts, working through issues from our pasts, rewriting our own histories in order to give us the happily-ever-after we desired.  Yes, it’s fiction, but sometimes reality slips through.  Some of my own personal experiences have made it into the books I’ve written, and I’m sure there will be more to follow.  In a sense, it’s like baring open our soul for the world to see.  And because of that, there’s an enormous fear of rejection.

These characters, and their situations, mean a great deal to us as writers.  You often see an author talking about the book they are currently working on, and how much they are loving their characters.  That’s because, by and large, these characters are living with us day in and day out.  They are almost literally begging for their stories to be told, and, until they are, they take up residence inside our head.  Yes, to some degree they begin as pieces of our imagination, but soon, they take on a life of their own, complete with voices.  In a lot of ways, they become our children, of sorts.  We created them, nurtured and cared for them, and then sent them out into the world in hopes that others would love and nurture them as much as we do.

But, as a result, there’s this overwhelming sense of “Why?”

Why am I doing this?

Why would anyone really want to read about this?

Why would anyone care?

But you push through all of that to write the best damn book you possibly can, and hope beyond anything that it connects to at least a few readers.  That connection not only validates the long hours of coffee-soaked work you put into it, but it also bolsters the idea that you actually can do this.

I had some fantastic help from a couple of other authors when I was writing my first two books.  They freely gave me advise and critiqued my work long before the books reached publication.  But I went to great lengths to ensure those conversations were kept private.  I never told anyone of their involvement for a couple of reasons.  One, I didn’t want it to seem as if I was riding on their coattails for success.  If I was successful, I wanted it to be by my own merits.  And, two, (and most importantly to me), if I failed, I didn’t want my failure to tarnish their reputation.  My fear of failure, of not being good enough, has been a driving factor in a lot of decisions I have made.  It has also prevented me from enjoying some of the successes as well.  As an example, the day I released my second book, Looking Forward, it earned one of those coveted Orange ribbons from Amazon.  My first instinct was to assume it was a fluke, or a glitch within Amazon’s systems.  There was no way that one of my books had gone on to become a best seller.  It wasn’t until months later, when I was having a conversation with another author friend of mine, that they convinced me that no, it wasn’t a fluke or a glitch, it had legitimately become a best seller.  I was a best-selling author, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

I’ve received a number of messages since beginning my writing journey (please note, I can’t even bring myself to call it a “career” yet.  In this market, you’re only as popular as your current book, and I’m a slow writer, so who knows how long this “career” will last).  A lot have been by way of email or private message, and inevitably the crux of these messages has been about how much they as the reader connected with the characters.  I’m not ashamed to admit that some have brought me to tears.  I have felt an enormous sense of pride with each one of these messages.  Partially because that meant I did my “job” well, but also because, to a very large degree, these characters are different aspects of my own personality.  In liking these characters, and their stories, they’re liking me as well.

All of this brings me to a decision I have to make.  One that I have labored on for close to two years. 

You see, there’s an event coming up in October called GRL.  It’s an acronym for Gay Romance Literature.  The event is a conference of sorts, a place where readers and writers of the Gay Romance genre all congregate for one giant meet-and-greet.  Readers get the opportunity to meet their favorite authors and have their books signed.  Authors get to meet their readers as well as network with other authors, bloggers, and industry professionals.

It is arguably THE largest event of the year for the genre.

Registration for this event is coming up soon, and I have to decide if I’m going to attend again as a reader, or will I make the giant (and, quite frankly, terrifying) leap to Author.

I have attended the last two, strictly as a reader.  I had just released my first book before the 2017 GRL, and my second before the 2018.  I was asked by a number of other authors and readers why I wasn’t attending as an author.  My answer was always the same:  my catalog wasn’t large enough to justify it.  But there was always something else, something I left unsaid because it’s deeply personal.

You see, while I had the absolute best time at both events, there was always one question nagging at the base of my skull.  I would look around at all of the other authors in attendance, and, inevitably compare myself to them.  My books and covers aren’t sexy.  My stories aren’t always lighter.  My characters often have to deal with a tremendous amount of pain in order to get to their deserved place of happiness.  So, the question that I would always ask myself is:

Do I deserve it?

Yes, I’ve written books, two full length and one novella, with another full length on the way.  But when I look around that room, I realize I don’t write like they do.  I see the achievements of those other writers and my achievements seem to pale in comparison.  I question if I’m as good as they are and do I even deserve to be there as an author.

I feel like an imposter in a room full of professionals.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels that way.  I’m sure there are probably some authors that have been in the genre for years that feel the way that I do.  But if that was the case, I wish I knew who they were, because maybe it would make the decision I have to make little easier.

I’ll be honest, I still don’t know what I’m going to do.  I would love to take that leap, to register as a Supporting Author.  I would love to attend some panels and discuss where my ideas and characters come from.  I would love to discuss my “process”, such as it is.

But do I deserve it?

Or am I really an imposter?

Bailey's Beat Box: GRL – The Reunion with Family You Never Knew You Needed

GRL – The Reunion With Family You Never Knew You Needed

 

With GRL a week away, we here at Diverse Reader thought it might be special to let then readers know what they can expect if this is their first conference.

First, what is GRL? 

GRL is an acronym.  It stands for Gay Romantic Literature.  It’s a conference that focuses on virtually all aspects of…well…gay romance literature.  The conference itself travels country on an annual basis, never in the same city twice.  Last years was in Denver, Colorado and this years is In Portsmouth, Virginia.  Authors and readers alike fly in from all parts of world for a four-day meet and greet.  Authors host panels, giving peeks behind-the-scenes, and generally talking about their process.  Readers are given the chance to meet their favorite authors face to face, have books, autographed, and pick up all sorts of nifty swag (bookmarks, stickers, lip balm, keychains, etc.). Some authors also hold pre-order sales allowing their readers to pick up books at discounted prices.

So, last year was my first GRL, and to be perfectly blunt, I was nervous as hell.  To understand why, I think I need to back up a little bit.

I had been in this community for a little over a year at that point.  I was going through some personal things at the time.  I’d also started my first book.  At the same time, I had begun reviewing for Diverse Reader.

I had also made a number of friends on Facebook, some of whom I chatted with daily, either by way of posts or in PM’s.  I felt particularly close to a few, but all of our interaction was done online.  I understood that there was a world of difference between an online friendship and those that carried over into real life.  And that’s where my nerves came from.

Would the connections that seemed to exist online carry over into the Real World?

Yes.  Yes they did.  I can honestly say that GRL 2017 was one of THE best experiences of my life!!

I arrived early and met up at the airport with Jenn Gibson and Doc Elderfall.  Now, to be clear, I had met Doc previously and actually stayed with her on a fantastic weekend trip to Atlanta last July (where I also had the privilege to meet and hang with Devon McCormack, his boyfriend, and perhaps way too many gin and tonics.)  However, I had never met Jenn.  Shortly thereafter, we were joined by Annabella Michaels and Aimee Nicole Walker.  We all piled into the back of a van that Jenn had arranged for us, and just…talked.  There was no awkwardness, no weird silences.  It was as Facebook was merely an extension of the very real friendships that had developed.

We got to the hotel and took over a small section of the lobby.  It was too early for the rooms to be ready, so we just sat and talked more and more and more. 

I don’t think I have ever felt as if I was actually part of a tribe more so than in those moments.

But there were more moments like that to come.

My first actual face-to-face meeting with Rod Batterman.  I won’t go into great detail about that here.  Just…suffice it to say that it was literally life changing.

Meeting Riley Hart, N.R. Walker, and Christina Lee (and my own personal wardrobe malfunction). Having the privilege of hanging out and talking to them as well as Devon McCormack and his boyfriend.

All of that was the first day.

It was amazing and overwhelming and every other positive adjective you can think of.  It was like meeting up with old friends and family.

Then there was my first meeting with Felice Stevens.  I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that were it not for her and her book, “Rescued,” I wouldn’t know a damn thing about this genre.

Nervous doesn’t begin to describe how I felt in that moment.  Our small group from the airport was sitting in the hotel restaurant, doing what had already become normal for us (talking, of course) when Rod turned to me and said, “Hey, there’s Felice.”

I tried not to look, tried not to seem too excited.

Yeah, right.

He stood and made his way to where she was, and, of course, I had no choice but to follow.  He was Rod, after all.

She smiled at me and hugged me, and it was in that moment that I realized I was finally where I belonged.

Home.

Now, I know that it sounds like there’s an enormous amount of hero-worship when it come to some of these authors.  That’s because there is.  I myself have now released two books and am working on my third.  But, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the idea of being welcomed in by these amazing people.  I feel privileged to be surrounded by people like Annabella, Aimee, Devon, Riley, Christina, Lane, and Felice.   And those are just some of the authors.  To say nothing of Jenn and Doc and all of the other reader friends I’ve made.

And Rod.  Always Rod.

To have been accepted into this community, this family, is still astounding to me.  Families fight.  Especially ones as large as my GRL family.  We argue and we disagree.  We also advise and support.

But, above all else, we love!

And GRL is the culmination of all of that.  It’s the family you never realized you needed and the family reunion you wish didn’t end so soon.  You look forward to the next one the moment the current one end.

Because you know, above all else, that THIS is where you belong, and that GRL is a celebration of that sense of belonging.